Time To Learn To Let Go

I am feeling sick and tired with everyone's attitude nowadays. Sitting alone at an empty corner of the university's main library, breezing the rain drops without using the umbrella, having a plate of rice with some cold mutton and dhall which cost me a bomb at dark night, tears filling my eyebags awaiting to flow down my cheek, thinking about what should I do next and etc are the stuffs that flowed through my brain nerves.

Am I asking too much? I just want someone to be by my side who can give me advice when I am down and offer me assistance, someone who call me a buddy rather than a friend, someone to have my meals with, someone who can hang out with and someone who can nudge or message me or videochat with me when I am online doing nothing.

I have been giving advice and offer assistance whenever someone ask for if it is in my capabilties. I have refer few of my friends as my buddies but as time passed, they are now nowhere to be seen cos everyone have been to different path. I will have meals with whoever that ask me to if my stomach is still empty and often ask people out for meals to kill their loneliness. I have ask people out but nowadays due to the fact that I don't own a car, I can't really ask people out. I m obsessed with Facebook and MSN but sometimes it is really frustrating if people say they are busy to reply when they can reply to others.

I am naive as I thought tolerance can push everything aside but my tolerant limit has achieve the maximum and I am going to explode if I don't release it as soon as possible. I really want someone now to be by my side not to listen to all my grudges but to make me erase all the bad memories.

I can't be the person that sacrifice always and receive nothing in the end. But I can't reject those who show up to me for help. I must learn to be a lone ranger and be selfish. Although many who don't know me personally may have disgusting feeling towards me but what else I can do cos this is what others do towards me.

Most of the people I know haven't really give me the moral support to carry on mine and my parent's hope on me. Some even pour cold water on my shoulder asking me lots of questions which me myself couldn't answer. But I must also give credits to those that are really concern but please don't ask the same question again which is "Are you stressful?" What I can say is that I am taking it easy on the study part but I am a loser in the socializing part.

I hate those who put up a sulky face when people want to celebrate their birthday. WTH you should consider yourself lucky as people remember your birthday while others have to pass through their birthday like other ordinary day.

*Should I continue staying the whole day and night in the library to prevent me from thinking negatively?*

Updates

I had made this decision and I can't regret now. I just have to move forward and set my goal right and not to allow people to dictate my life. I have made all the sacrifices that I'm able to and I must learn to say no to others when it is neccesary. It is not an easy life for me this one and a half month as I need to put up a happy face in front of others eventhough I am down or feel left out.

Life had not been smooth for me ever since I enter university. Challenges after challenges was put in front of me to test my patience to the maximum. I have not exploded yet as everytime I am at the extreme someone will bring me down with the power from the Almighty. Well I have to learn to be independant as people come and in my life.

Unexpected Break To Prevent Suffocation..

An unexpected change of the mid-term break from 16th Aug-23rd Aug to 29th Jul-4th Aug to prevent the spread of the H1N1 virus in the university caused many chaos at the university campus. Many will rushing back home during the peak hours after the office hours causes traffic jam and KTM passengers will surely be packed like sardin.

This break may help me to release some tension after 3 weeks of becoming an engineering student and help me to prepare for the 1st test but to many it is not appropriate as all their plans had been destroyed due to this sudden change. I need to prove to many that I am capable

of getting an engineering degree with desirable result although I am a slow-learner.

I am still unable to know all my coursemates well enough to have them sit with me during lectures and to have lunch together. I still have to put on a fake smile when I meet anyone to prevent rumours from spreading around the university like the H1N1 virus. I might be the eldest among them but I am not a good leader as always and I only can get warm up after a long period of time.

Hopefully time will change all these and I hope I will be eager to attend lectures every morning and to meet with my fellow coursemate.

Tough time ahead..

It has been a week of tough decision making, emotional breakdown, and struggling to adapt to a new environment. These are not the stuffs I wan during my short period in university. Seeing few of them taking the extra effort to make sure they are able to change programme, I am disappointed with the way I take things for granted cause i got it the easy way. (How I wish someone will be walking by my side during the next 4 years in engineering faculty) Time to change from a comfortable zone to a zone full of prejudice and smart people.

I am still waiting for a miracle to happen. Really giving up hope as the responses from relevant authorities are not encouraging.

People come and people go in my life. I am like a huge rock settle down in the middle of the sea and people I know are like waves passing by me to create interaction. Sooner or later, I will be wash away by strong current. But it is fate that bind us together.

I am trying not to be emotional as everything have it's own way to overcome it.

Confuse..

"Yeah! I have got it." This will be the reaction if I received the result to change programme from Bachelor Science (Honours) Chemistry to Bachelor Engineering (Chemistry) one semester ago. But now it is "So what? Another decision making time?" although the official offer letter is not out yet.

When things are about to settle down after a week of rushing to the lab for practical, waiting for the lab assistant for more than half and hour, rescheduling the time table again and again and arguing with a lecturer so that Friday will be free of lectures but all these will be in vain if I decide to be an engineering faculty student.

Few of my friends hope I do not change but there is one who said she will support my decision no matter what it is. Meeting up with strangers and adapting to new environment is not my cup of tea. What I hope is that they will respect whatever decison i make and will not forget me as a friend until they are in heaven.

A Beautiful Begining..

It's been a week since I am back from a leadership camp of my residential college in Pangkor Island. It has been a great experience since I joined less than 5 activities organised by my residential college for the pass 1 year. Peers influence is one of the factors in addition to my laziness to socialise with people that I do not know well. We guys were unofficially 'appointed' as group leaders as they were only 4 boys divided into 4 groups. And the worse thing was being force to take the lead in any group activities. Well, I am still a gentleman in front of the ladies as I still allowed the ladies to go first. (if you get what I meant)

This week I get to meet 2 different group of friends at the same location but different time. On wednesday, I went out with Alvin, Seet Yen and Chuin Er. They are consider my day-out-during-semester-break buddies as Alvin will definitely plan something during our break for us to meet up. Today I went out with Chun Chi, Jye Ping and Huai Yee who are the people closest to me during my Form 6. Although I met up with Chun Chi occasionally in UPM, he constantly reminded me to meet up to kill our boredom at home and to meet the girls who I have not meet them for more than 1 year. (sorry I missed all the gatherings) Well someone promise to take me out after his exam. Hahahha.. (I still did not get to meet someone who went to Singapore)

More people are coming back for their summer break next month. So hopefully can meet with you guys soon.

Random

People that I am closed to are trying to work with the word 'friend'. A few of them are having problems with their friends as what I have been through before. The feeling of being left out or not being care for are usually the most common thing to mention when the issue of friendship is being brought up. Nowadays I tend to take it easy when it comes to this issue as I know that it is difficult to depend on your friends when you really need them (sorry if I have insulted anyone)

Today will be the stepping stone of my life as my application to change programme will be posted out. I am keeping my fingers crossed so that God can make the correct decision for me. Besides, I will be leaving for university to attend some camp name 'Kem Kepimpinan Generasi xxxx Belas. It was a last minute phone call when I was soundly asleep that I agree to participate in. Again I am keeping my finger crossed so that it will be an enjoyable trip cause I really have nothing else to do at home for these last three weeks of this unproductive semester break. These 2 things are done aknowledging that my current bunch of friends will not be always by my side and I have to carry on with or without their pressence.

To my friends out there (if you accidentally bump into this blog), I am ever ready to listen to all your grudges and problems but no promise that I am a good counsellor. I must thank those who had lend their ears to listen to my grandfather story when I am down. Hopefully I can be a good listener when someone knock on my door.